I woke up this morning and I found myself asking a question.
Do I want a relationship?
The answer to me is a very distinct yes. It’s something that I’ve always wanted. I’ve always craved that closeness with a woman.
But this is where the confusion starts.
Part of of me wants them to seek me out first for comfort. I want to be the important person in their life. I want them to want me. To know that they look to me, to be there for them. I want to be needed.
Where did the self centered viewpoint come from?
I find that when I meet women, they often object when I say what I look for in a woman. They use the words “from a womans perspective….”
I don’t really understand what they are saying, but I do know what they mean - I am confused, and they don’t like it.
Women are afraid of sex with me, they foresee that I can’t handle it. I often meet women with the intention of just enjoying a sexual relationship, but then always end up wanting more, even when I know that they are not suitable to give it.
I must accept that not all women want to give me the closeness that I crave. I must accept that I can have no strings sex, without worrying about the consequences.
The question is…How?
The answer lies in the fact that I feel, deep down, that I am not loved. I think this is all about my parentage, and the relationship I have with my mother.
Feck. It always comes back to this.
My mother abused me as a child. I was regularly spanked, shouted at and when I was really naughty, dragged across the floor by my hair. I never did anything to deserve this punishment, I was just an inquisitive and healthy child.
I never felt that my mother loved me. I was always made to feel that I was a burden.
For years I treated my mother like shit for how she made me feel. I remember the look on her face when I said all of those hurtful words. I was a bastard, but I am not that person anymore.
I forgive my mother.
My mother did the best that she could. I turned out just fine with the effort she put in with me. The strife she put me through was for a reason, and I have learnt and benefitted from all my lessons. She molded me into a strong willed individual. I owe my drive to her.
My mother is a strong woman, and I am proud of her. I am glad to be her son. I know that she loves me.
I know that the other women in my life love me too.
I don’t need to seek love. I already have it, In spades.
The women in my life are not all my mother. There is no wound to heal with them.